Teh Grate Cheezburger Liber... Liburr... Reskyoo!

Catpurr 3: Teh Mewment uv Troo

Wen Lil Kit reeched Big Smoo’s, her finded awl teh kittehs chillin owtside, unnerneef teh beeg tree dat stood rite next to teh howz. Teh naypurrhud kittehs luved dis tree, cuz it hads lotsa lawng branches, low-stretchin branches wer dey cud plae Monorail Kitteh or yodul or taek gud napz awn. It wuz also nyss cuz itz wer an owld tree an tall enuff dat dey cud ezilee klym onto teh roof an luk owt obur teh bootiful Hawayyin coaztlyn.

But her kwiklee noteizd dat teh kittehs wuz nawt hasing teh festiev happehtymes dat her spected. Big Smoo wuz paysin to an fro, a worreid luk awn himz faec. “I can’t bleev doz stoopy hyoominz sed no shares!” himz wuz sayin to Stretch, hoo wuz sacked owt along wun uv teh branches, lukkin liek a borred panthur.

Stretch yawnd. “Wut did u esspect, d00d? Mah mommeh offurd meh a pees uv brokli teh uvver dae. Dey jus crazee. Dey neber gibs us teh nommy fud.”

Tux, hoo wuz sittin nex to teh Baron awn teh branch abuv dem, snortid wif lafftur an flikkd teh Baron wif himz tail. “Coors, if we wuz awl hasing teh Baron’s mommeh, us’d be hasing teh tuna or sammon ebry nite wif dinnur.”

Baron Von Nomnomnom, hoo wuz hasing a baff, pawsed fur a meowment to add, “U furgottid teh oystirs an bebeh klamz in oyl.” Tux sat up awn himz hynd legses an swattid teh Baron in teh hed. Teh Baron iggnorrd himz, continyooin himz baff.

Stretch stretched. “Ennywayz, I sayz if us wantz it, us r hasing to taeks it. We needz a plan.”

“BANZAI!!!!!” yowlded Banzai, jumpin frum a rly hai branch daon to wer dey wuz awl sittin. “We launchin teh attak ur wut!?! Oh hai, Lil Kit.”

Lil Kit smylded. “Hae, Banz. Lissn, wut r u guiz tawkin abowt - teh hyoominz sed no shares?”

Big Smoo noddid, lukkin glum. Teh Whoppurr, hoo had strolldid up jus aftur Lil Kit, goedid obur an hedrubbed himz. “Iz okeh, Big Smoo,” purred teh Whoppurr, “we just has to be maekin a littul plan.”

“I doan want mah hyoominz gettin hurted,” warnded Big Smoo. “Dey iz gud peeps, eben if dey moastlee feeds meh teh kibbul.”

“We noes, Smoo, no worreez babeh,” sed Lil Kit. “Uh-oh, heer coemz Happycat. Wif Miss Snorgles!”

Awl teh kittehs lukked toords teh rode. “O, himz nawt gonna be so happeh wen he heerz dis,” mutturred Tux. “Bet himz wuz wantin to impress Miss Snorgles wif hao mennee cheezburgerz himz can eet.”

Nao it wuz Stretch’z turn to be standin up, an himz smacked Tux awn teh hed. “Happycat is teh nyssist cat I noes,” himz sed. “U be nyss!”

“Skoooz meh,” sed a ruffld Tux, wawkin awai daon teh branch an sittin agen wif awl teh dignitee himz cud musturr.

“O hai ebrywun!!” Happycat wuz vry happeh. “Miss Snorgles, is u alreddy noesin awl teh naypurrs? U has met Lil Kit... owr hoast, Big Smoo, fanx fur hasing us obur, Smoo... an teh Whoppurr, howz it goin, Whop... Banzai, himz a littul crazee, wach owt!... O hai Emo Kitteh, wut u doin awl teh wai obur der agenst teh tree? Dat’s Emo Kitteh... Dis iz Baron Von Nomnomnom, owr rezzydunt burd wacher, an obur der iz Tux. Hai Tux!”

“O hai, u guiz,” reeplyd Tux. “U gawts enny grate ideeyuhs fur gettin teh burgerz awai frum dese hyoomins?”

Happycat syyd. “I noed it cuddn’t be dat ezzee,” himz sed. “I wuz hoepin, tho.”

Miss Snorgles wavedid her tayl. “Can’t we jus rub agenst der legs an act awl sweety-pah? Mah daddeh alwaiz gibs meh teh nommy fuds wen I does dat.”

Lil Kit kownted to three to keep hurself frum smackin Miss Snorgles. Dis wuz wai her hayted floofy spoyld gurlee-kittehs.

Teh Baron koffed. “Well, mah gud frenz, we has estab... estabbl... figgurd owt dat purrswayshun woan’t get us teh burgerz, an owr lolfren Big Smoo has askded us nawt to be hurtin himz hyoomins, so us must needz be usin teh trickuree to gain dese burgerz.”

“Heer, heer,” sed Stretch, onlee haff-sarkastiklee.

Banzai jumpd bak an forf atween a cuppl branches. “Eggzactlee. U sed it, Baron! We needz a plan uv ackshun.”

Big Smoo jus shook himz hed. “We’z has to has teh split-sekkind tymin,” himz sed. “Nawt liek we cans cook teh burgerz owrselfs, wif owr lack uv opposabul thumbs, an dey onlee puts teh cheez awn it neer teh end.”

“I has an ideeyuh,” sed teh Baron. Awl teh kittehs leened klosur. “Wut us’ll do iz...”

* * *

“Mmm, Cheez, those burgers smell awesome!!” sed Melissa. “Are they almost ready?”

“Yeah, couple more minutes,” anserd Cheez. “Just need to put cheese on some of these burgers and let it melt a little.”

“Great,” DMarie sed. “I’m starving!”

“Tofuburgers coming through!” called Tofu, holdin teh plaet up hai as her woav thru awl teh peepul. Her reeched teh grill an startid puttin dem awn teh vegemetarian seckshun. Cheez putted teh last slyss uv cheez awn a partikoolarlee joosy-lukkin burger, den startid transfurrin teh finnisht burgerz to a beeg plattur.

Suddenlee, a stranj noyz maedid ebrywun luk ups at teh roof. “Isn’t that the new neighbor’s cat? Miss Snorgles, or something?” Tofu askded Cheez.

“WTF? My cat’s up there, too!” cryd Meno, jumpin ups frum her seet an wawkin closur to teh eeves. “Whoppurr, what are you doing?”

Teh too kittehs wuz growlin an hissin at eech uvver, bof krowched neer teh ejj uv teh roof, adbannsin an retreetin wif sharp swats toords deir faecs.

“Oh my god, my cat’s totally going to disembowel that fluffy-ass Persian,” Meno said, cuvverin her faec wif her handz an peekin owt frum betweens her fingurs.

BonzoGal wissulld. “Gonna be a catfight!” her sed. “We could turn the hose on them, or something – that would make them stop.”

Cheez, hoo wuz wachin teh kittehs wif a luk uv disbleevs, snapped owt uv it wen himz herd dis. “That’s a good idea, but our hose is busted.” Himz lukked arownd. “HEY!!!”

“Run fur it u guiz!!!!!” sed Tux, leepin off teh plattur wer dey wuz awl stelthilee gavvurd rownd, pikkin owt der burgerz. Himz jump maeded teh plattur oburturn, sendin burgerz an kittehs flyin ebrywer!

“Dammit Tux!!” sed Big Smoo, pikkin up himzself teh beeg joosy burger dat Cheez wer plannin to eet. Himz clampded it in himz jaws an ran fur it, mutterin arownd teh burger, “Now mah nommy burgerz gotted awl durty.”

“For the love of -” Tofu startid to sae, interrupptid bai –

“BANZAI!!!!!1!!!!!!!1!” skreemed Banzai, leepin off teh roof onto teh pikanik tabul, oburturnin teh buns an lettus an materz an condy... condi... catsup an musturd an stuff. Nao ebrywun skreemed an skattured, sum cuvvered in teh fud dey’d so recentlee lukked forwurd to be eetin.

“Sweet baby Jesus!” cryd Cheez. “What is wrong with these freakin’ cats?!”

It tooked Banzai three wyuld leeps to reech teh burgerz. Miss Snorgles an teh Whoppurr wer alreddee runnin awai wif der cheezburgers. Der wuz still wun cheezburgr left! Banzai skiddid arownd an faecd teh hyoomins, hoo wuz awl starin at himz wif teh luks uv disbleevs. “AWL UR CHEEZBURGERZ AR BELONG TO US!” himz crowed joifullee, pikked ups himz burger, an streeked awai wif teh uvver kittehs into teh gavurring dusk.